11:30 a.m.

Yesterday was a rough day for me, but if you looked at me you wouldn’t know it.  Yesterday marked 8 weeks since Tony passed away.  I had some down time at work so I was deleting old emails and then I got to an email that Tony sent me for a blog post he wanted to do for my birthday.   The last lines of the document nearly made me cry right at my desk:

I love Biz more that my huge clumsy fingers could ever write. I am truly blessed to have her in my life.  Today is her Birthday; please help me honor the best person I have ever known. I love you Lizabeth May Alcott Difasio Digorno Velatini, I will love you till the end of time.

I texted his son Joe and we both are still in a state of shock, like suddenly he will come up from behind us and give us a great big hug.  Needless to say,  I didn’t delete any of the emails.  I am just not ready to do that yet.  Another thing that I still have a hard time with is 11:30.  He used to call me every day at 11:30 to say hello.  I’ll find myself at the copier and I’ll look down at my phone and see that it’s nearly 11:30 and I start to head to my desk quickly, only to realize that phone call will never come.  And texting – I used to text him a few times a day – usually an “I love you” or “running to the gym, have my phone with me if you need anything.”  I know over time it will get easier, but yesterday?  I was full of grief.

***

I ended up stopping by Hannah’s work to pick up another one of their delicious parfaits – this one had a berry preserve and it had the perfect balance of sweet and tart.

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I am part of a fit bit walking challenge this week with Dave and Rachel among other people.  I have to tell you, it’s motivating me to get more steps in!  I ditched the strength for the day yesterday, and did the treadmill again – this time at an 8% incline.

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My blood sugar was 238 before working out – perfect!  After just over 40 minutes though, I could feel really BIG drops of sweat forming, and when I got off and checked my blood sugar in the locker room, it was down to 61 – quite a drop!   I ended up eating my lunch without taking any insulin because I wanted to go back to the gym after work.  My lunch was actually what I would have had for breakfast had I not stopped at Hannah’s work – leftover Jennie-O turkey sausage and egg white burrito with fruit on the side.  And a touch of hot sauce. Open-mouthed smile

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I went back to the gym after work – I actually look forward to it.  I always came straight home from work, so it’s weird for me, but a quick hour of walking goes by pretty fast while I am watching Food TV.  This time my blood sugar was at 201, so I did my walk at a 5% incline and it dropped to 118 after an hour – nice.

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One of the dishes Hannah wanted from her Pinterest page of things she wanted me to make, were these stuffed shells.   When I started to make dinner I asked her if she wanted me to add the chicken in the recipe and she said “there’s chicken in there?”  So I adapted the recipe to suit Hannah’s tastes.  And while these were going to be her entrée, Jacob and I had steak.  Beef, It’s What’s For Dinner!  If you don’t follow me on Instagram (and why the fuck not – my bizzy kitchen – so easy to find!) you would have seen my tip about buying meat at the grocery store.  My store has a discount bin for beef/meat that is expiring that day.  You either need to cook it that day or the next, or freeze it.  If you don’t see anything, just ask the butcher – I got two thin t-bone steaks for $5.37 – the $2 off manager special coupon had already been removed.

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Alfredo Stuffed Shells

  • 14 large pasta shells, cooked
  • 1 cup jarred Alfredo sauce
  • 2 cups cooked and chopped broccoli
  • 1 ounce Cabot cheese White Oak Cheddar
  • 1.5 ounces sharp cheddar cheese
  • pinch of salt and pepper
  • 1 teaspoon hot sauce

Mix the Alfredo sauce, broccoli, Cabot cheese, salt, pepper and hot sauce together.  Stuff each shell with a couple tablespoons of the broccoli mixture and put in a 9×9 pan.  Sprinkle with the remainder of the cheddar cheese and broil until the cheese is all melty.

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The steaks were so thin that I literally cooked them 1 minute per side – perfect medium rare and Jacob loved the steak – he’s a big meat eater. Open-mouthed smile

Um, I think I got my steps in for the day!

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And it’s Wednesday WI day:

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-3.8 in six days, and –3.8 since I reset my Zero scale 13 days ago.  What am I doing differently?  Well, I am working out more.  I don’t snack at work, and since we are eating later at night, I don’t feel the need to raid the kitchen before bed, and getting in my water.  I’ll take it!

Alright, off to put my shit together – I am having chicken tostadas for lunch today and just cooked up some chicken.  Make it a great day!

56 thoughts on “11:30 a.m.

  1. Biz-

    I am just aching for you. I can’t even begin to imagine what you are going through. I think sometimes when our routine sets back in, that’s when it hits us. It’s going to be a difficult road, but you know you have a lot of love around you. I am so glad you have the kids and dogs living with you!

    Sending lots of warm hugs and virtual snowman your way. Thinking of you!

  2. Allyson

    Heyyyyy Biz! Internet hugs and even more today – it’s National Hugging Day! Hug hug hug. =) Explain to me please somewhere (here, email,IG) how do these fitbit walking challenges happen? Where do you find them? I have a fitbit. I tried to connect it yesterday to my Weight Watchers account – but no go. It won’t work. I rarely seem to be able to get more than 7000 steps but I sure would like to participate in something to try and get me walking more often. Thanks. Hope today is a bit better for you.

    • Biz

      Thanks Allyson – I am actually not quite sure where to find the challenges – one of my “friends” on fitbit sent me a challenge request and I just accepted it – I’ll find out!

      I’ll send you an email so you can be on my wall of friends!

  3. I can totally understand that you had a rough day Biz, sending you a big virtual hug.

    Why didn’t you invite me to the challenge 🙂 I would have loved to participate. I have been doing a few lately and you can also add people even if you haven’t started it. Please think of me next time 🙂

    • Biz319

      Hey Fran – one of my friends on my fitbit page just sent me the challenge request – not sure how he did it, but I just accepted it. If I start a challenge you know I’ll invite you! 😀

  4. I’m sorry you had a rough day yesterday. I’m sure there are little moments every day that sneak up on you (like a punch in the gut). Proud of you for taking care of yourself, and big hugs. xoxo

    • Biz319

      Thanks Dana – and yes, the walking is helping – it was either that or eat deep dish pizzas all by myself every night – I think walking is the better option!

  5. Kym

    I can’t even imagine. I know I still have moments when I get emotional over missing my dad. It is the little things that spark a memory. (a place, a TV show, a smell) I can’t imagine how it feels missing your best friend. Sending you hugs! Great job on the loss. All of those extra work outs have really paid off. I miss going to the gym. 🙁 I didn’t recognize the shells in the after photo. Someone likes cheese 🙂

    • Biz319

      Thanks Kym – feeling the hugs! And yes, Hannah loves her cheese as much as I do – and well, it was National Cheese Day the day I made it 😀

  6. I can’t believe it’s been 8 weeks already. That e-mail went straight to my heart. Tears at my desk at work…wouldn’t be a Biz post with both tears & laughter.
    Amazing loss! I need to take a page from your book & get focused. I’m doing better, but I need to be Bizzified!

    • Biz319

      Ah, sorry for the tears at work – but at least glad I can make you cry AND laugh!

      “Bizzified” – love it! Glad you and Kim decided to join Planet Fitness to get your lunch time workouts in – woop!

  7. Something to cheer you up a bit. I know how much you love snowmen (I do as well!) and I came across this today on Facebook and thought of you! It’s a video on YouTube. So cute.
    http://youtu.be/pB4jFqkn8MY

    Let me know if the link doesn’t work. Her page is called Handimania and she shows how to make the most adorable sock snowman! Enjoy!

  8. Hugs to you. I don’t think you ever need to delete those emails. I have saved the last emails I got from my mom and dad. They are very precious years later.

  9. LaLa

    Sending virtual hugs to you Beth!!! I still catch myself wanting to call my Mom all the time and it’s been over 2 1/2 years since she has been gone. It does get easier but it still hurts, and I’m sure it will never go away, it just changes.

    The shells look awesome, but Charlie isn’t a cooked broccoli eater. I’ll just have to make them for me sometime.

  10. Oh Biz, all this tragedy you’re dealing with in your life is just heartbreaking–so sorry that you have to experience such overwhelming emotions of loss. I know that it’s a positive Midwestern attribute to keep your emotions in check, but there is a lot of value in just letting those tears roll. And, I don’t think anyone would think any less of you for opening up the floodgates when those random memories hit you.

    I am really glad that you have a strong network of support and I’m super happy you have two little furry loves in your life. Animals are a huge help in the healing process.

    • Biz319

      Thanks Mel – yep, right now I lead two lives – the public face and the private face and the two shall never meet – I am sure some people might think when they see me “wow, she’s taking this all pretty well!” But what they don’t see is my public face that cries every night when I go to bed. 🙁

  11. Hugs to you, dear. I don’t think there’s any reason to delete those emails; in fact, I’d make sure they are sent someplace safe for the time when you might want to see them again.

  12. Randi

    Maybe you can print those emails out and spiral bind them?

    Its nice that you have people to cook for. Julie and I don’t eat the same things a lot of the time. She eats beef, I don’t. I’ll grill some some fish and then grill her a steak. Does Hannah like ground chicken? I make a chicken Bolognese recipe that’s amazing. Its a Wolfgang puck recipe from Foodtv.com. If she eats ground chicken, she’d probably like it. Julie loves it.

    • Biz319

      You know I am not sure if Hannah likes ground chicken or not?! I’ll have to find out – thanks for the recommendation for that recipe though 😀

  13. Terri

    Sorry to hear about your rough day. It does get a little easier, but not for a while, damn it! When my husband died 3 years ago, the hardest thing was the phone calls. He would always call me wherever I was, work, friends, in the car, and I cried everytime I got in the car caused I needed to hear his voice. I wish I had recorded his voice, but I didn’t have any of his voicemails saved cause he went so quickly. But it will get easier, just hang in there and know you are loved and have people who understand and have been where you are and gotten through it. I will keep you in my prayers, and stay strong! Best wishes, Terri James

    • Biz319

      Thanks Terri – yep, that was the weird thing too – the last several trips I took were by myself and I would always text him when I got on the plane, then to the next airport, then call him when I got to my final destination. It made me feel . . . alone. 🙁 Hugs back at ya!

  14. I wish I could just come hug you in person. Don’t ever, ever feel bad for these types of days, they are to be expected. Let it fly honey, people really will understand.

    I’m not sure it ever gets easier, but I am sure that you learn to live with it but that just takes time. And you should take all the time you need.

  15. I’m sure you’ll come across a lot of stuff to make you sad. 🙁 I doubt it ever gets completely better. 🙁

    But anyways, cool scale.

  16. Sherry Werth

    I am so very sorry you had a rough day! And I would be holding on to those emails too! It always brings tears to my eyes when I read you’ve had a bad day. I have a gym acquaintance/friend that suddenly lost her husband a few days before Christmas & he was buried on Christmas Eve. She’s a runner & she says running & working out is the only thing keeping her sane. And as I was leaving the gym last night I saw her flying around the track even though it was already dark & getting cooler. She was making it through another day. You’ve got to take care of yourself & if along the way you have a nice weight loss & get healthy, that’s just an extra bonus. Hugs!!

    • Biz319

      Thanks Sherry – yep, I know I’ll have those days every now and again – the walking is helping me not eat pizza every night! 😀

  17. I konw those moments will never be easy…but it will fade in time. It’s so wonderful that you get to see, even now, how much Tony loved you.

    Btw, I did get the fitbit flex. And I’m loving it. I’m only on week 2 of wearing it but it’s definitely keeping me more accoutable! Nice job on the steps.

  18. Erin

    That email is precious. I hope you never delete the most important emails.
    Those shells look super delicious – I could probably make a complete meal out of them if I added shredded rotisserie chicken? Hmm…

  19. Cindy Maga

    Hey. We have been following your page. Sorry you had a sad day, but what a great gift to remember how much you were loved. We are thinking about you. Give our sympathies to Hannah and her fiancé

  20. Kim

    Sorry that yesterday was one of those rough days!
    I hope that today has some really happy spots in it!!!
    Great job on losing 3.8 – awesome!!!
    Now, I wish I had one of your steaks and some of the pasta!!!

  21. Jenny Stauffer

    Grief sucks. Period.
    The bright side is that you are still blogging, still eating well, and still working out! Kudos! That is a feat. Thank you for still taking care of yourself, as hard as it can be. 🙂

    • Biz319

      Well the alternative would be to stick a straw in a box of wine and order pizza every night – and I know that’s not the right thing to do 😀

  22. Food looks really good today…..yummy 🙂 Sorry to hear you had a crumby day. Guess that is part of the territory. Take care of yourself and just take one day at a time. That’s all we really can do. Find things that bring joy, like cooking and giving to others….you will find peace in the midst of storms that come upon you. Keep looking up.

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